– It’s been a long time.
– How do you get nervous, how do you experience it?
– Am I in the present or back then? Or in general?
– Well, in general, I think this is a typical behavioral model for you.
– Yes, yes.
– How do you get nervous and experience it? What happens to you at that moment?
– Yes, I feel like I’ve overdrunk coffee, and my whole body is in some kind of electric tension, all parts of my body that I can be aware of are tense. My hands, legs, chest, back, neck, nape, ears, nose, cheeks, face. It’s as if all parts of my body are tense. I mentally relive some conflictual or tense dialogue where there was some dislike towards me or something else. I recall how I tried to resolve it, went into conflict resolution to de-escalate the conflict, find points of connection, reconcile, and move forward. Or not reconcile, or even argue to the end and part ways, each staying on their own.
And still, somewhere, I experience anxiety. Why did I experience anxiety in the monastery? Because, let’s say, according to the holy fathers, it’s desirable to live in peace with the brothers around you. Even with those who don’t love you, hate you, wish you harm, try to undermine you, set you up, do something behind your back, gossip about you to the authorities, you still have to learn to accept people as they are, not change them, not judge them. Learn to live in a Christian way, in some ideal. And it seems to me that I tried to strive for a form without inner content, I tried to fulfill the form without having this deep, meaningful, worked-out content. And probably on this basis, I walked around and worried. Damn, why is it so? Why, if we are Christians, can’t we live in peace?
Well, these thoughts are constant, how I wanted and how it was, to respect each other, love each other, and just live in this world and spirit of unity with each other. But this is some kind of infantilism, perhaps. And the thing is that the mechanisms are the same, I don’t realize them, I don’t even think about them, they work inside me. That’s what I’ve realized now, that it’s really mind-blowing. They, my unconscious scenarios, still work inside of me, and I still feel the same emotions. Doctor, if you want, here’s a short example. Now at work, one of the senior managers constantly presents me in a negative light to the directors, saying that I’m not doing my job, that I’m sitting with my hands folded, and because of that, escalations occur on the part of our clients that directly affect the main directorate in America. To which I responded in a letter yesterday, arguing why we won’t implement a patch system to fix the system, and fully explained to him that what he’s doing, trying to present me in that light, is not about me because it’s not true. And I asked him, if he needs help, because this isn’t the first time he’s done this, I’ve already talked to him about it on a call, we personally discussed it, and it seemed like everything was fixed, and I asked him to directly contact me through management if he needs my help, because it’s unpleasant for me how I’m being presented to the audience of directors and everyone who can simply fire me. And after that, it still seems to me that I’ve defended my boundaries, I didn’t ask him to change, I don’t want to change him myself, I don’t tell him how to communicate with me, maybe for him this communication is normal, in his worldview it’s normal to talk and communicate like that, to belittle everyone, in his own way abuse, and degrade, say to this one you’re crap, to that one you’re doing your job poorly, it’s okay for him. Fine, let it be so, this is his worldview, let him believe in it, let him live with it, but I just told him again that let’s try to treat each other normally, communicate normally, because that suits me, I consider that I show respect to him, never showed disrespect, and maybe he will too if he needs my help, because he comes to me, well, try to communicate in a way that’s convenient for me, because he needs my help.
And then on one hand, I think it’s cool, okay, management doesn’t interfere, they don’t care, well, let’s say, in my first year of work, I saw what it’s like when you don’t react to various things, as it seemed to me then and now seems, and in my opinion, in the corporate world, there are people who behave like victims because they forgive, because they’re communicative, they’re willing to help, in general, let’s say, this is interesting, everything that was explained in the monastery, taught how a Christian should behave, let’s say, beyond the boundaries of the Orthodox world, this is generally perceived, especially in the corporate world, as weakness and absolute victimhood, that is, it’s somehow damagedly perceived, and in the corporate world, there’s an interesting category of people who, as soon as they see any signal of victimhood, they immediately attack, try to use you, in some way make you do their work, bully you in the team, throw toxic jokes at you, tease you on corporate calls, tease you specifically, even with your manager present, and everyone laughs at you, and I’ve been through this, and this time I just thought, no, I’ll set boundaries and see what happens, and that’s what happens when I set boundaries, people’s reactions are different, but yes, I’m now returning to the main question, I just want to tell you all this, I don’t know why, to show these aspects, and despite the fact that, as it seems to me, I’m right because I defended myself, in the moment when I write a message to set boundaries, I think about how not to offend, how not to devalue the person who already treats me this way, and tells people that I’m doing my job poorly, simultaneously, when I wrote this message, I thought, am I devaluing myself by responding to him, when maybe if communication doesn’t work, we just don’t suit each other, maybe we shouldn’t communicate, and there’s no need to explain anything, but in the end, I thought, I’ll set a boundary, and whatever happens, and throughout this journey, I worried, I experienced anxiety, and I still have anxiety about what this will cost me now, how it will turn out, how management will react, management doesn’t care and they practice victim bullying, because there’s such a European mentality, especially in Ireland, it’s a bit different, absolutely different, it’s even strange, although everywhere in corporate worlds, it seems to me, this is observed, and the essence is that if you defend yourself in the corporate world, management may come and start turning everything upside down, saying that you were wrong, you shouldn’t have defended yourself, you should have kept silent, or maybe they’re right just because they’re older in rank or have worked longer in the company, for example.
I experienced anxiety about all this, and that’s what stress is for me, in short, that I’m even afraid to defend myself in the corporate world, knowing what the consequences can be, that a manager comes and starts, first of all, asking the manager, for example, D., do you see the message from C., where he writes that I’m doing nothing, that I’m working poorly, and this is in front of everyone, and that he’s devaluing me before everyone, forming a negative perception of me in the audience, and all people will subconsciously take it and even not knowing me personally, will think as he said, and this will negatively affect me in the company over time, because it happens based on the experience of other people, I’ve seen it. And the manager says, no, I don’t see it, it seemed to you, you’re not right, you shouldn’t have responded like that, we don’t do that in our company, we have a corporate charter, and I ask myself, did I defend myself, as it seems to me, set boundaries, he even came and apologized, said, yes, Robert, forgive me, I was wrong, I shouldn’t have used those words, although for me, I somehow think that this is just a chameleon who changed clothes, honestly, because it’s not the first time, well, just changed clothes, re-shod, and again management sees that I’m still bad, that I set boundaries, that I’m a bad person, can’t do that.
– Yes.
– I experience anxiety about all this, especially our brain dead CEO who layoff people in packs and tomorrow I’ll have another conversation with the manager, I’m curious what he’ll say, I apologize, how he’ll treat me, because the last time, when one of my colleagues was doing the same thing for two years, I just asked him, listen, what’s your problem, he went to the manager, said, Robert speaks to me roughly, the manager called me on the phone and said, you’re acting incorrectly, and it seems to me that he did something, because after that case, no one from the team writes to me, and I just stopped some really toxic stuff, I don’t know how to call it otherwise, all. And then I think, am I devaluing myself, am I devaluing the person, how generally, is there no problem in how I perceive things, people, words, and meanings, and now I go back to the beginning of our conversation and to why I smiled, that I have hope that through therapy I’ll start understanding and maybe see things adequately, react or know how to behave, how to react, how to perceive and live differently.
That’s how I experience stress, and grief, and there’s some tension, and it’s like I’m burning out, I try to pull back from there, switch and leave work, turn off the work computer, and all. And sometimes it works, I, you know, somehow block it and think, damn, I’ll just say it, generally, who cares, if people don’t defend themselves, they earn themselves trauma in the corporate world, excuse me, they absorb all this toxicity and so on, it’s their choice, I won’t sign up for it, I won’t take it, and I won’t let myself be offended, because no one will protect me in the corporate world.
That’s another position I have, simultaneously, and I also experience anxiety about it. And I also experience anxiety about how all this fuss creates tension in my manager, which I experience, that it may somehow negatively affect me, because in the company, there are unofficial layoffs every year. And there’s an opinion that if you’re not in close contact with management, if you’re not licking his and all them asses, if you’re not cock-sucker – you’re usually the first candidate for dismissal. And I’m not one of those people who will go and build artificial contacts to save themselves, no, I’ll communicate normally, based on respect for my manager, colleagues as a man to a man, and build our relationships on that. And if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t. And now, over the past few weeks, it hasn’t been working. That’s how it is.
– Now I want to tell you a short story. Will you share your reaction with me?
– Okay.
– The story is like this. A grandmother is lying on the stove and says to her grandson, “Grandson, please roast some potatoes for me.” And the grandson tells her, “Grandma, get up and roast them yourself.” And the grandmother says, “How can I roast them, grandson, my legs are sore?” And the grandson tells her, “Grandma, then lie down and shut the fuck up.” What reaction do you have to this story?
– There are many reactions. I just look at it from different sides. As if, yes, the grandmother needs the grandson’s help. She turns to him. Maybe if there’s no mom or dad, she raised him, gave him her health. She’s now lying without legs, for example. And she asks him for help. And probably she always helped him. And in the end, he responds like that, without respect for his grandmother, saying that if she can’t do it herself, it’s her problem. That is, he shows, it’s even hard to say, that this is not her grandson. Because strangers can talk like that, they won’t talk to their grandson like that. On one hand. On the other hand, it’s harsh, of course. Maybe the grandson is so psychologically advanced that he has such boundaries that he says whatever he wants. These are toxic jokes. No, of course not.
– Do you feel sorry for the grandmother in this story?
– Yes, of course.
– And not sorry for the grandson?
– The grandson in what sense?
– That his grandmother asked him to roast potatoes? Or sorry in the sense that he’s in such a state that he talks to his grandmother like that? Well, look, we feel sorry for the grandmother, and towards the grandson, what feeling do you have?
– Yes, the primary reaction is, how can you talk to your grandmother like that? Condemnation.
– Condemnation.
– But there’s one but. And this is also from the monastery habits. When you see a person in a difficult state, and such behavior towards the grandmother is a difficult, wrong state from a Christian perspective. The place of condemnation towards the person is replaced with compassion and, in the right sense of the word, pity. Because even this state of the grandson doesn’t put a cross on him, if you look at it therapeutically. I don’t know.
– Well, nonetheless, the first reaction is, we feel sorry for the grandmother, and towards the grandson, condemnation, right?
– Yes. Ah, yes.
– And now I want to tell you a story about the grandmother and grandson. You don’t know it, do you?
– No, of course not.
– I’ve only told you a small part, a small picture of what happens between them. The grandmother has been telling the grandson since childhood, “You’re a freak, a loser, a faggot, a piece of shit, your mother is a cunt, you’ll never have a wife, I’d give you a blow to the head so your brains would smash against the wall.” That’s how the grandmother treated this grandson her whole life.
– I have something to add. In such a context, and what the grandson said, this really expresses my feelings and attitude towards my grandmother at that time, especially when I grew up and entered adolescence, around 14 years old. Although, I think my mom, when she acquired an apartment and took me away from my grandmother, I don’t remember how old I was, 11, 12, 13 somewhere, somewhere around that time. And probably this last phrase in response to the grandmother’s request was my attitude towards her, but, let’s say, this is nothing compared to what was inside me, the desire to kill her, to kill my own grandmother. Really, in the literal sense of everything. So, yes…
– And now I’ll return to the beginning of this story, or rather, not to the beginning, but to my question. The question was about what do you feel towards the grandmother, and what do you feel towards the grandson. When you didn’t know the whole story, you said, we feel sorry for the grandmother, and the grandson is a piece of crap. And then the first reaction that appears to this story is, the grandson is a piece of crap, the grandmother is good, we feel sorry for the grandmother. And then inside, in the psyche, inside the personality, a conflict forms. I want to kill the grandmother, on one hand, but I can’t do it. Because the grandmother is good, I feel sorry for her. This is a Christian commandment, do not kill your neighbor, treat your neighbor as you would want them to treat you. But in childhood, I didn’t think about it, I just hated her, just hated her.
– Of course, of course.
– And this whole hatred accumulated inside my psyche. Then you come to the monastery, and the superior tells you, Robert, you should treat other people with compassion, as you would want them to treat you.
– That’s how it was.
– Damn, where do you put this hatred? Where? The superior doesn’t say, he can’t explain what to do with this hatred. He just says, pray, my son, and you’ll receive grace.
– But it works, it even heals, but, damn, there are moments when therapy is needed, and just nothing else will do.
– Do you know who the Japanese samurai are?
– Yes, I really love this topic. Ah, yes. A bit about battles, thanks to training, their philosophy, and so on.
– Well, let’s say, yes, samurai, in Japan, there’s no Christianity or Orthodoxy, they have their own faith, and the samurai have a philosophy, and in their time, there was a samurai code. One of the rules of this code sounded like this: If you feel anger, never make a decision in anger, count to ten, and then make a decision. You’ve probably heard this. But you probably haven’t heard the second part of this rule. The second part sounds like this: If you count to ten, and your feeling of anger hasn’t passed, you have the right to strike. Why, do you think?
– Well, the Japanese are a wise people, probably to…
– Let’s not talk about the Japanese, but about us. Why do you think you need to strike?
– To resolve an internal conflict, release tension, solve the problem, not traumatize yourself, not go against yourself.
– If the anger doesn’t subside in ten seconds, you can strike. Listen to your inner desire, because this is possibly the only working method for the situation. It sounds strange, of course. Yes, any emotion we feel on the level of our emotional body should be reflected, that is, expressed.
– Expressed. Any emotion…
– Therefore, I ask you, today, at least, I ask, what are you apologizing for? You say, I don’t know. I would then ask you further, what feeling prompts you to apologize to me?
– Uncertainty.
– Uncertainty is not a feeling, it’s a state.
– Shame, fear.
– Yes, fear. I’m afraid, says Anon, and therefore I apologize. It’s funny, right? I’m afraid that Doctor will leave me, and I apologize in advance for my behavior. Don’t let God, I might offend Doctor with my words. Doctor, forgive me, just don’t leave me, please. And here there’s also a sense of being crushed and oppressed.
– You just approached this, about reflecting feelings. Something came to me. I go to the gym, there’s a big tractor tire and an iron sledgehammer. This exercise is done by many, but mainly in boxing, it was given at the * in *, in the Olympic reserve for boxing at *. There’s an exercise, hitting this wheel. I noticed that when I have strong tension at work, and I go to the gym and do this for 20-30 minutes, with approaches I feel relieved. Can this be a form of expressing all this suppressed emotion?
– Yes.
Key Themes and Patterns:
1. Chronic anxiety and stress, particularly in work situations
2. Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
3. Conflict between desire for respect/validation and fear of consequences
4. Unresolved trauma from childhood experiences with grandmother
5. Struggle between Christian ideals and real-world corporate dynamics
6. Tendency to overthink and ruminate on conflicts
7. Physical manifestations of anxiety (tension, feeling “electric”)
8. Difficulty expressing anger appropriately
9. Seeking external validation and approval
Book Recommendations:
1. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
2. “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker
3. “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
4. “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” by Edmund Bourne
5. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson
6. “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman
7. “The Mindful Way Through Anxiety” by Susan M. Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer
The text reveals cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing (worrying about potential job loss) and mind-reading (assuming negative intentions of colleagues). CBT techniques like cognitive restructuring and exposure therapy could help challenge these thoughts and reduce anxiety.
Unresolved childhood trauma with the grandmother appears to be influencing current relationships and reactions. The conflict between wanting to be “good” (Christian ideals) and feeling anger/resentment is creating internal tension. Exploring these early experiences and their impact on current behavior would be beneficial.
There’s a strong theme of seeking external validation and struggling with self-worth. Developing unconditional positive regard for oneself and increasing self-acceptance could help reduce anxiety and improve boundary-setting.
The individual is grappling with questions of meaning, particularly in how to reconcile spiritual beliefs with real-world challenges. Exploring personal values and creating authentic meaning could provide a sense of direction.
There’s a disconnect between different parts of the self – the part that wants to defend boundaries and the part that fears consequences. Working on integrating these parts and increasing awareness of present-moment experiences could be helpful.
The dominant narrative seems to be one of victimhood and powerlessness. Reauthoring this narrative to emphasize resilience and agency could shift self-perception and behavior.
1. Practice mindfulness techniques to reduce rumination and increase present-moment awareness
2. Use journaling to explore and process emotions, particularly anger
3. Develop a self-compassion practice to counteract self-criticism
4. Practice assertiveness techniques in low-stakes situations to build confidence
5. Explore childhood experiences in therapy to process unresolved trauma
6. Use cognitive restructuring techniques to challenge anxious thoughts
7. Engage in regular physical exercise, particularly activities that allow for emotional release
Reflective Questions:
1. How does your childhood experience with your grandmother influence your current relationships and reactions?
2. What would it look like to fully accept and express your anger in a healthy way?
3. How can you reconcile your spiritual beliefs with the realities of your work environment?
4. What personal values are most important to you, and how can you align your actions with these values?
5. How might your life be different if you prioritized self-acceptance over external validation?
This analysis reveals a complex interplay of past trauma, current stressors, and internal conflicts. The key to growth lies in processing past experiences, developing self-compassion, learning to express emotions healthily, and aligning actions with personal values. Integrating techniques from various therapeutic approaches can provide a comprehensive path forward.
stress management, anxiety relief, corporate stress, workplace anxiety, setting boundaries, toxic work environment, corporate bullying, dealing with anxiety, emotional tension, workplace conflict, mental health at work, emotional resilience, dealing with toxic colleagues, self-worth, coping with stress
